Self-reliance is an inner state of knowing that you are robust, resilient and resourceful enough to tackle the challenges and difficulties that life will inevitably throw at you.
It is formed from the meaning you have given to your own life experiences, which in turn then overlay your innate personality; as well as from what you have seen 'modelled' by the self-reliant people you have had contact with.
With the right circumstances and guidance we can gradually develop those all important characteristic traits of courage, competence, determination, persistence, tenacity, and resilience.
We must learn not to allow our setbacks, disappointments and failures to reinforce any negative beliefs we still hold from childhood. Instead we should rationally evaluate any negative experiences - free of their emotional components - and see what we can learn from them; and what we might want to change about ourselves to enable us to better handle such challenges in the future. If we find that our plan or strategy was flawed in some way - we can then create effective ways to change it!
It can be hard to overcome our early emotional wounds, but if we can see them as the learning opportunities they are meant to be, we can grow and become more of a robust, realistic and grounded Adult, who can 'take care of the business' of life.
Our new-found inner strength will then buffer us against future storms, as we accumulate more opportunities to become greater than we were.
Otherwise our old 'programming' and 'script' will just keep repeating themselves over and over again, and keep us stuck in the old drama of our life.
As we become more able to think, plan and take appropriate action for ourselves, we don't need to rely upon a 'life-coach' or 'cognitive-mentor' to do our common-sense functioning for us. With our own Ego-Strength we can take care of our own needs and carry out our plans, and reach our goals with persistent effort.
As we develop into a self-reliant adult we can, paradoxically, become a more reliable person for others too. We can also have better relationships, because we are not looking for the other person to validate us or prove their love for us. As we calm and soothe our own emotional state and choose to shift gear into our sensible reasoning and rational Adult, we can actually then loosen up to become more playful and intimate. This is because we dissolve the 'neurotic' neediness and game playing that is so common in many relationships.
As a parent we can greatly assist our child's sense of self-reliance - something which they are usually pushing to have from an very early age anyway! We can offer them graded challenges and opportunities to learn new skills and talents - which don't have to be expensive.
We can support and encourage their emerging sense of self-worth and esteem; by giving appropriate and well-timed praise in an honest and empathic way - without any sarcasm or back-handed compliments; and certainly not by using ridicule or any form of put-down to the sensitive soul of the child.
Negative behaviour should be called just that and separated from the positive goodness of the child themselves. Some bad behaviour should simply be ignored - as long as it isn't dangerous to anyone in any way. Smothering over-protective parenting, whilst well-meaning, robs a child of the ability to form and adhere to necessary boundaries in their life, or to tackle any challenges head-on.
Learning to delay gratification is also important, but it becomes harder in modern times when the media brainwashes us into thinking that to 'be somebody' you must 'have it and have it NOW!' The sense of personal achievement from working towards, and attaining, a goal can be lost by the premature satisfaction of a desire.
As a psychotherapist I have worked with many people who didn't have the chance to develop self-reliance because their early lives were dominated by chaos and fear; and they must then try to develop a sufficient sense of Adult self-reliance at a much later time in their life, in order to function better in the world.
Other clients had parents who's own narcissism meant that the client grew up with the expectation that they must succeed, perhaps academically or in sports/drama etc. so that their parent(s) could bolster their own fragile self-esteem with the glory of their 'perfect' offspring's achievements. Individual personality development in the child then becomes stifled, as does the ability to rely upon themselves and direct the path of their own life.
By contrast, other clients have reported having had a good/great/ideal childhood - which sadly had not prepared them for the trials and tribulations of life....they had no skills with which to regulate their emotions or deal with a later life crisis - such as redundancy, divorce, business failure, being burgled or defrauded etc. - and they were completely thrown of balance by circumstances that a more self-reliant and resilient person would be better equipped to deal with.
You are the only one who will never leave you, so you might as well be sure that you can at least rely upon yourself.
We live in a 'something for nothing culture' nowadays that relies upon the goodwill, duty, pity and support of other people, or the State. This dependence does not develop an individual's character or enhance their personality.
Believing in yourself and your ability to create your own Life of Choice prevents you from quitting.
Repeating your positive intentions, with heartfelt feeling, has been proven to bring about positive and tangible results.
It's never too late to learn how to change and to be better than you used to believe you ever could be!
Written By Maxine Harley Msc Integrative Psychotherapy - Psychotherapist in West Sussex and also creator of 'The Ripple Effect' Process and Quantum Psyche Process see http://www.qpp.uk.com/
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