I have found it helpful to describe the psychology of families in terms of the ABC's, where the letters in this case stand for Attachment, Boundaries and Communication. Unhealthy, or dysfunctional, families generally include insecure attachment, poor boundaries, and closed communications. (Those interested in learning more about attachment may wish to consult Jeremy Holmes' book, The Search for the Secure Base: Attachment Theory and Psychotherapy. London: Routledge, 2010.) As a subheading one can talk about the three R's, in this case, Rules, Roles, and Resulting Relationships. Let us observe how these characteristics operate in the alcoholic family. Most alcoholic families maintain three basic rules:
The Rule of Silence forbids not only talking to people outside the family but also to talking to members of the family itself. Children raised in this system may experience difficulty expressing themselves for the rest of their lives.
The Rule of Denial requires children to ignore the behavior of the alcoholic and pretend that nothing is wrong. Children raised in these circumstances learn not to trust either themselves or others and never learn to honestly express emotion.
The Rule of Isolation separates the family from the community and isolates individual members from each other. Children raised in this environment have difficulty forming intimate relationships.
The Rule of Denial leads children to adopt various roles as a way of deflecting attention from the alcoholic. These roles may include:
The Golden Boy (or girl) who tries to make family look good by achieving success in school or work
The Scapegoat who diverts attention from the family by getting into trouble
The Peacemaker, or Placater, who tries to reduce conflict in the family by smoothing things over
Growing up in an alcoholic family can have devastating consequences. On an emotional level, resulting relationships tend to be marked by numbness, distrust, resentment, shame, and helplessness. The mental processes of an adult raised in these circumstances reflect confused thinking, hypervigilance and a tendency to think in absolutes. The actions of such an adult tend toward crisis-oriented living, manipulative behavior, and problems with intimacy.
If you have been raised in an alcoholic family, these observations may sound distressingly familiar. You may find guidance in Wayne Kritsberg's book, The Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome: A Step-by-Step Guide to Discovery and Recovery. New York: Bantam Books, 1985. Alcoholics Anonymous conducts various programs for children of alcoholics and you may find additional support there.
Arthur Wenk, a psychotherapist practicing in Oakville, Ontario, combines cognitive-behavioral therapy (discovering techniques for producing immediate changes) with a psychodynamic approach that helps make changes permanent by addressing the root causes of mental health problems. Art is certified by OACCPP (the Ontario organization for psychotherapists) and EMDRIA (the EMDR International Association). Art's website, http://www.arthurwenk.com/, contains one-page summaries of recommended books on personal growth, brief explanations of common mental health issues, and lectures on parenting, the psychology of families, and the functioning of the brain.
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