I have found it helpful to describe dysfunctional families in terms of the three R's: Rules, Roles and Resulting Relationships. As the last element in this model would suggest, a family's problems are apt to be transmitted to the next generation unless corrective measures are taken. To begin with, as adults we recreate our early experience: children leave home taking what they have learned with them. By the time we are five years old we have formed our core beliefs, our assumptions about the nature of ourselves, others, the world, and how we must behave in order to survive in it. Securely attached children are likely to have positive core beliefs such as: The world is a safe place, I am competent to explore it, others will look out for me, and so I can follow the path of my curiosity. Others have less happy core beliefs, such as a client of mine whose early experiences taught her that those who say they love me hurt me.
You've doubtless heard the phrase, "you marry your mother (or your father)." Indeed, we pick partners who embody the strongest traits (both positive and negative) of our parents. We should not be surprised that the woman I just cited has had a series of relationships with abusive partners, even as her rational mind tells her to avoid this pattern.
Furthermore, we parent as we've been parented. Or, if we're determined to avoid some particular trait, we tend to embody its opposite, which still contributes to a dysfunctional family by taking a particular characteristic to an extreme. Unresolved issues can get triggered in the parent-child relationship and impair our ability to think clearly and remain flexible. We become flooded by intense emotions that can lead us to knee-jerk reactions instead of thoughtful responses.
The perpetuation of destructive patterns can be clearly seen in the case of alcoholism. I have a client who has not had a drink in nearly two decades, and yet his family continues to embody the rules and roles established in his drinking days. The father of another client, having seen the destructive impact of alcohol, never took a drink, yet my client shows clear evidence of the pattern. How does that work? His grandfather, as an alcoholic, simply did not have the emotional resources to provide secure attachment, appropriate boundaries and open communication for his son, my client's father, who grew up emotionally stunted. His parenting of my client, in turn, lacked the qualities necessary for healthy intimacy. Even though my client never lived in an alcoholic household, he was clearly the victim of alcoholism.
Often psychotherapy is required in order to stop destructive cycles that run from generation to generation.
Arthur Wenk, a psychotherapist practicing in Oakville, Ontario, combines cognitive-behavioral therapy (discovering techniques for producing immediate changes) with a psychodynamic approach that helps make changes permanent by addressing the root causes of mental health problems. Art is certified by OACCPP (the Ontario organization for psychotherapists) and EMDRIA (the EMDR International Association). Art's website, http://www.arthurwenk.com/, contains one-page summaries of recommended books on personal growth, brief explanations of common mental health issues, and lectures on parenting, the psychology of families, and the functioning of the brain.
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