Leo Tolstoy wrote one of the most memorable opening sentences of any novel in Anna Karenina: "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." If we alter the word "happy" to "healthy," we will have a pretty good description of the psychology of families. If all healthy families are alike, it may be useful to get an idea of what healthy looks like. Let's concentrate on the ABC's of families, where the letters in this case stand for Attachment, Boundaries and Communication. As a subheading we'll talk about the three R's, in this case, Rules, Roles, and Resulting Relationships. (I am using the word "role" not to signify a part in a drama from in its second dictionary definition, "the characteristic and expected social behavior of an individual." The last two R's refers to what happens when the children in each situation grow up to become adults.)
The ABC's of a healthy family consist of secure attachment, good boundaries, and open communication. Let's see what that looks like in detail in terms of our three R's. The rules for producing secure attachment in a child shouldn't come as any surprise: react to a child's needs; play with the child; and engage in contingent communication, in which the quality, intensity and timing of the parent's response reflect the signals actually sent by the child. In other words, the communication between parent and child is truly a two-way street. What is the role of a securely attached child? Such children are outgoing, empathic and confident, knowing that if they communicate their needs, the world will provide them with a way to get their needs met. The resulting relationships when the child becomes an adult display a high level of self-esteem, shared feelings, and intimacy.
A boundary, for our purposes, represents the limit that defines you as separate from others. The rules for good boundaries include the right to say no and the freedom to say yes. With healthy boundaries, we choose what to let in and what to keep out. Healthy boundaries apply not only to individuals within the family but also to subsystems. For example, a healthy family draws a boundary which protects the couple from intrusion by the children. The role of someone with good boundaries includes a healthy self-image and a strong sense of self that allows the individual a healthy balance between separateness and belonging. The resulting relationships display true intimacy, which requires the participation of two separate individuals. (Symbiosis is not the same as intimacy.)
The C in our ABC's of healthy families stands for open communication. The rule in this case represents an absence of rigid rules or roles. In a healthy family there are no family secrets. The role allows for personal privacy that permits both emotional bonding and individual autonomy. The healthy family allows outsiders into the system. The resulting relationships when the child becomes an adult provide an open communication of both thoughts and feelings and display a strong sense of empathy--the ability to comprehend another person's emotions.
The functional family is balanced and flexible; it can adapt to the situation. Usually this represents a middle ground, but that depends on the circumstances. If you were defending a child against an abductor, you would want to be abusive, angry and intrusive. If, on the other hand, you were a bystander at a bank robbery, you would want to be passive, silent and unattached, even though we would not think of these characteristics as healthy in normal circumstances.
A healthy family may not display every single one of these traits, but this picture generally describes family health.
Arthur Wenk, a psychotherapist practicing in Oakville, Ontario, combines cognitive-behavioral therapy (discovering techniques for producing immediate changes) with a psychodynamic approach that helps make changes permanent by addressing the root causes of mental health problems. Art is certified by OACCPP (the Ontario organization for psychotherapists) and EMDRIA (the EMDR International Association). Art's website, http://www.arthurwenk.com/text, contains one-page summaries of recommended books on personal growth, brief explanations of common mental health issues, and lectures on parenting, the psychology of families, and the functioning of the brain.
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