The term 'Good Enough Parent' was coined many years ago by a psycho-analyst and pioneer in child development called Donald Winnicott (1896-1971)
You cannot be a 'perfect' parent, as there is really no such thing; so 'good-enough' is good enough!
How you parent your child(ren) has a profound effect upon other people too, because your child's personality and behaviour has a 'ripple effect' to everyone else they encounter in later life.
This weeks news stories (06/03/12) gave us more shocking evidence of the lack of adequate parenting within our society. Children becoming overly-sexualised, and exposed to inappropriate images on TV, internet, and in teen magazines; charities having to be set up to help feed children a breakfast before they start school; schools being expected, by neglectful parents, to instil basic moral values into their pupils; children left indefinitely with relatives who torture and murder them in the name of 'casting out evil spirits'; young children who's whereabouts are unknown during the evening hours; parents not making time to read to, or talk with, their children.
Parenting is THE most important job in the world - so how and why do we get it so wrong?
This is not a new phenomenon. When I worked in the Civil Service in the early 1980's I regularly encountered school leavers who could not even sign their name, and instead could only sign with a 'X' on their claim form. They had no use-able skills, no future hopes and aims, little education and poor verbal skills. They will now be the parents, or even grandparents, of today! Poor parenting has been around for a very long time.
Although nowadays we have TV programmes dedicated to educating parents about how to better raise their children - these programmes will not even be watched by the very people who need them most, and they would be too little, too late, anyway.
The present British government is now piloting a project to improve parenting skills in the hope of avoiding future riots like those seen recently in many cities in the UK.
It will take time to put right the deep rooted and multi-generational problems of bad parenting.
We can only pass on to our offspring what we know, and have, for ourselves.
The ways in which we think, feel, eat and drink, and take care of our bodies, all affect the expression of our unique set of genes. (see Bruce Lipton's work on Epi-genetics for more information).
People generally do the best they can with what they have; and only the small minority are deliberately cruel and negligent towards children.
There are brain scans (called Single Photon Emission Computerised Tomography - see the work of Dr Daniel Amen for more information) available which show which areas of the brain are underdeveloped, under-working or damaged.
If children's brains were routinely scanned, say at birth and aged 3 years, six years and 13 years; then treatment protocols could be implemented to correct these deficits and give that child a much better start in life. Such protocols would include - vital nutritional supplements, which would enable the development of a better functioning brain; adequate and appropriate stimulation; and emotional attachment to a reliable and consistent parental figure.
The way a child is handled, spoken to, soothed and cared for all significantly affect the child's developing brain.
Clearly, a parent's own dysfunctional childhood will get in the way of them being able to adequately do any of these things for their own child. This is why it is so important for the emotional and psychological damage of the past to be cleaned up and removed as far as possible.
If parents-to-be were helped to process their own unresolved traumas, abuse, neglect and lack of self-esteem, then they could become better parents. This would then ripple through to the future generations, and bring significant improvements to our society.
Schools can be a place of both positive and negative learning too. We are taught many facts, dates, and rules; but we also learn how to be verbally and emotionally abused by teachers and peers.
So, what does constitute good parenting?
In one of the modules - entitled Understanding Yourself - which is part of a programme of psycho-emotional education for adults - I have listed what I call 'Optimum Parenting Outcomes'. These are:
Bonding with your child.
Being attuned to the needs of your child - even before they are expressed.
Mirroring the infant's behaviour by using associated facial expressions and verbal sounds.
Being someone the child can 'idealise' and want to emulate as they grow older.
Having a secure attachment to the child, who in turn feels 'securely attached' to someone.
Assisting the child to develop a positive self-concept, sense of competency and self-esteem.
Encouraging positive relational skills.
Modelling good emotional self-regulation.
The child is then able to grow up to become a good-enough parent themselves in the future.
(The excellent work of Allan Schore the eminent American neuroscientist will further enlighten you about such aspects of good emotionally-attuned parenting).
In an ideal world every child would be 'WAVED AT'.....
Wanted by their parents and family
Accepted for who they are, and their uniqueness
Valued and treasured as the perfect gift that they are
Encouraged to be all they can be
Disciplined - with fairness, compassion and empathy
Attuned to - and their basic needs for love, boundaries, and guidance met
Time-worthy - parents spending time talking with and reading to their child(ren) and having fun!
Having a child can be a great healer, as well as a remarkable gift. When society finally realises this and emphasises good-enough parenting then we will really see the differences we all want to see in society in general. This would bring enormous financial savings in the longer term too.
It's never too late to 'fill in the gaps' and make up for the deficits in our emotional and psychological education.
Better parents create better members of the next generation and the whole of society!
Article written by Maxine Harley Msc Integrative Psychotherapy - Psychotherapist and creator of 'The Ripple Effect' Process and Quantum Psyche Process see http://www.qpp.uk.com/
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