Thursday, May 3, 2012

Dysfunctional Families: The Abusive Family

psychology studies

I have found it helpful to describe the psychology of families in terms of the ABC's, where the letters in this case stand for Attachment, Boundaries and Communication. Unhealthy, or dysfunctional, families generally include insecure attachment, poor boundaries, and closed communications. As a subheading one can talk about the three R's, in this case, Rules, Roles, and Resulting Relationships.

Abusive families generally display the same rules as alcoholic families, namely the rules of Silence, Denial, and Isolation.

The Rule of Silence forbids talking about the problem, not only outside the family but even with other family members.

The Rule of Denial requires children to act as if nothing is wrong, even when every part of their being insists that how they have been treated is dreadfully wrong.

The Rule of Isolation keeps family members apart and isolates the family from the rest of the community.

The roles found in alcoholic families also appear in abusive families but we should consider the special drama associated with this kind of dysfunctional family.

The Abuser often appears to have no boundaries at all, but may attribute the abusive behavior to alcohol, anger, or some other influence.

The Victim often accepts this role in order to protect her children, in the case of a mother, or younger siblings, in the case of a child.

The Bystander may be a passive spouse who denies the problem or who conspires to remain unaware of it.

The pattern of abuse tends to perpetuate itself in succeeding generations. We have all read how victims of abuse often become abusers in their turn, but the cycle may take a more insidious form. The son of an abusive father, for example, absolutely determined to avoid these bad traits, may become passive and unattached as an adult. As a consequence, his children may grow up to be spoiled, coddled or narcissistic, characteristics that may well contribute to their becoming abusers in the next generation. Children who have suffered abuse generally lack healthy self-esteem and the personal boundaries that go with good self-esteem. As adults they may find themselves unable to stand up to a family member who telephones every day, insisting that a lengthy monologue be heard.

I have recommended Anne Katherine's book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1991) to a number of clients. Those who have grown up in an abusive family may find the book of particular interest.

Arthur Wenk, a psychotherapist practicing in Oakville, Ontario, combines cognitive-behavioral therapy (discovering techniques for producing immediate changes) with a psychodynamic approach that helps make changes permanent by addressing the root causes of mental health problems. Art is certified by OACCPP (the Ontario organization for psychotherapists) and EMDRIA (the EMDR International Association). Art's website, http://www.arthurwenk.com/, contains one-page summaries of recommended books on personal growth, brief explanations of common mental health issues, and lectures on parenting, the psychology of families, and the functioning of the brain.


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