Loneliness - The Stigma of Shame of the Solitude of Grace?

psychology studies

Writers more than any others know by necessity both of the above. It is from where true creativity arises. When the words that are written come from a source beyond one, one finds it impossible to write simply for something to do.

For me and for many writers reading this, a piece of writing, article, letter or essay arises following considerable time spent in gestation. This can sometimes be likened to a descent into the abyss. It's a two- way process as I dive through some painful human experiences into the depth of my soul to discover the truth of a situation, then so my soul source will arise up to meet me. It's like the meeting of old friends who have been separated for aeons. "Oh yes, I remember this feeling of "home"... wherein lays my heart."

In a world where words issue forth in an endless and often mindless stream of trivial and banal comments, sound bites and attempts at communication, it is the true creator's lot to remain silent and carry the stigma and shame of that isolating silence. To an outsider who is not privy to this process it can appear a lonely despairing role. But the process is a necessary despair; only by plunging into the mud and silt of the dense earth can we discover nuggets of pure gold.

When all outer sources fail one, when one appears to go beyond the pale, and friends and enemies alike step worlds away from one it is then that we are forced into this subterranean darkness.

This is one aspect of the multidimensional process. We are here walking upon this Earth but we know we are not of this planet except as a tiny seed of consciousness. And so we can somehow find peace and comfort whether suffering from the stigma of shame or the grace of solitude, it depends which perspective is dominant at the time.

This process is the natural pre-birth phenomena, before we are plunged into the reality of Earth for our lessons on life, where we may if we are so graced; experience the blissful rapture of human embodiment.

You can be broken down and I will hold and love you that way. You can fall apart and I will hold and love you that way.
You can have nothing to offer for now and I will hold and love you that way.
You can be at your lowest ebb and I will hold and love you that way.
You can be depressed, contorted, wounded or distraught and I will hold and love you that way.
I will do this with no insistence that you be fixed. I can accommodate a you that breaks down and is not available for my needs for the time being.
From: When Love Meets Fear

Many Articles on Experienced Spirituality, Multidimensional Reality and Personal Growth can be found on

http://www.multidimensionalreality.com/

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Emotional Self-Imprisonment

psychology studies

Just imagine being given a jail sentence merely because we could not handle our emotions. Think of the public outcry! But conjure with the idea of being given a thirty, forty, even a fifty or sixty year sentence! The level of public indignation about our human rights would surely dwarf any riots we have seen. Add a final insult and tag us 24 hours a day to remind us of our emotional disorders, and the fury would erupt. Yet this is exactly what many of us do to ourselves. We impose life sentences of emotional self-imprisonment and tag ourselves!

And the metaphor gets even more real and even more horrifying, the more one dwells on it.

Because of trauma, shock, hurt or abuse, we can and we do sentence ourselves more harshly still. We commit ourselves to solitary confinement, guarding our inner most emotional secrets with a level of zeal and shame with is extraordinary. This personal imposition can also originate from guilt, abandonment, rejection, or from humiliation, bullying or molestation.

Yet in our hearts we know that were there ever to be any appropriate system of emotional courts with judge and jury, none would convict us as severely as we have done to ourselves. None would find our case proved as warranting such a fierce punishment.

But just focus on this metaphor one more time- when we have the highest criminal prison population on record. And now ponder on the fact that a vast number of us - walking the streets apparently free, have nevertheless imprisoned ourselves in unresolved emotions!

And our level of commitment to the sentence can be astonishing. It can involve a vow of silence and secrecy to ourselves - something we determine to take our grave. This we can deem preferable to a mistaken belief that if we unburden ourselves we will be emotionally pilloried until our death by relatives and friends, and that should be avoided at all cost!

More weird, emotionally speaking, even when the underlying cause can have been in no way of our making or our fault, we still seek to deny that to ourselves and then compound the denial by buying deeper into the shame, humiliation and rejection as if somehow we deserved it!

That can set in train yet more entangled and constraining behavioural thinking. We can use this misconceived buy-in as a stick to beat ourselves harder than anyone else with the same knowledge ever would - or should. And why ever do we do this? Because we have let ourselves think it is our just desserts! The 'tagging' is provided by our self-talk which we encourage sub-consciously to reinforce our worst thoughts about ourselves

And paradoxically we can find we draw strength from our apparent courage and fortitude to shoulder it on our own, when few around us would see any sense or justification in that.

I think it is fair to say that Time once was when maybe this emotional flagellation was deemed to be part of being human and living a human life. Not enough was known then about psychology and the impact of our behavioural thinking.

But no more! No longer is that true. Irrefutable psychological and behavioural truths pile up one on top of another - from one research project after another - each revealing to us ever more about our human nature. More welcome still they reveal to us how we can neutralise and re-frame our reactions to horrific indignities we have endured.

The benefits of encouraging ourselves to end our self-imprisonment, to give ourselves emotional parole and to re-configure the emotional memories and patterns are now well documented.

Why? If for no other reason, because we know now it is no longer necessary for we humans to endure it. And nor is it justified any longer to inflict our emotional shortcomings on others, young or old, for them to replicate what we have done and to resort to emotional self-imprisonment for themselves.

So we should at least talk about these things, share them and unashamedly seek help to understand them. We should cherish the reality that none of us are perfect, that we are unique and most particularly we are blessed with the ability to cure ourselves emotionally.

And if that is not enough, then quite simply accept that we do not deserve this toxic form of imprisonment when help is now at hand. There are number of good proprietary self-discovery books and programmes available to find a new level of happiness.

I strongly recommend you look at the Hoffman Process and at a book called "You Can Change Your Life" by Tim Laurence. Alternatively you may find it helpful to read the self-discovery novel. "Squaring Circles" which I have written. It deals with emotional patterning such as this. It is available from http://www.amazon.co.uk/ of from http://www.squaringcircles.co.uk/ in paperback or online through most UK bookshops. I wish you well.

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Split Personality

psychology studies

I am not talking here about Multiple Personality Disorder (otherwise called Dissociative Identity Disorder), or Schizophrenia.

I refer instead to the parts of us that become 'split-off' due to our childhood experiences and the meaning we gave to these, from our under-developed child-brain.

There are two levels of splitting that take place when we believe that we are 'not good enough' as we are.

The first level happens as we learn that in order to be seen as OK and to be accepted within the family, we have to 'wear a mask(s)', and fulfil the 'role' set for us by our family.

These masks might include the 'smiley-face-everything-is-fine-in-our family' mask; the 'I-feel-no-pain' mask; and the 'I-must-be-a-good boy/girl-at-all-times-and-not-be-a-burden' mask.

We may also have a 'role' to play in the family unit such as the Super-achiever, the Caretaker, the Carrier of the family madness/badness, the Sick Patient, and many more besides. All of these rob us of our authenticity and the feeling that we are OK just as we are, and that we are valued and wanted for just being our real self.

Instead we develop a 'false-self' to please other people and to ensure that we can continue to live with them and to have our basic survival needs met.

For too many people these 'masks' become stuck and they forget they are even wearing them; or they fear ever taking off the mask and having to face, and live with, the stranger who lies beneath; or they may have tried and failed to remove the mask - due to pressure from other people who want/need them to keep wearing it!

A second and deeper split occurs as a result of severe childhood trauma, abuse and abandonment; when the real self, hidden behind the false self, steps or falls back even further....from the back-room and down into the cellar.

Often to be banished and forgotten about. This 'prisoner' is condemned to a life of darkness and the struggle to survive emotionally. It lives in shame of it's own existence. It feels like an alien without a true personality or life of it's own. It becomes the puppet for others to use, whether that be within the family, or with partners later in their life and within their inevitably dysfunctional relationships.

'It' observes the unfolding 'drama' of life as if from a distance, without any feeling of deeper connection to it. It is isolated and hopeless. It feels like an 'it'.

Believing itself to be deeply flawed and feeling the pain of rejection ridicule and hostility, it knows only self-loathing and despair.

Any words of encouragement, care, or concern echo around the dank cellar in which it exists. Nothing good can penetrate - the fear of further wounding is so great. Exposure and shame burn like a branding iron telling all of it's failure as a human being.

It abides in a prison cell which is actually locked from the inside, or the door may be ajar but the prisoner dare not try to escape. The dark damp cell is at least a familiar 'home'.

Maybe you have tried - in vain - to have a relationship with a 'Cellar Dweller'? ©

You may have poured considerable effort and time into trying to coax them out and to help them to believe in your honesty and integrity....but to no avail. Maybe you have got as far as marriage to such a lost soul - who went along with the arrangement in order to have some 'comfort' pushed through the bars of their inner prison. If so, you will get little in return as they won't know how to love, let alone how to show it in a way that reaches another's soul.

They may receive your love but not know how to give back anything meaningful of themselves. They may talk at length without really saying anything about themselves or their innermost dreams, hopes, and needs.....because they are detached from these and unable and unwilling to take the risk of possible rejection by anyone. They have already profoundly rejected themselves.

It seems obvious that they should simply realise that they are now an adult, and that they can change their thought processes, and consequently their feelings and behaviours. However their detachment from life and their self-loathing is so deeply ingrained that any such wise words would be wasted on them. They could not penetrate their protective armour.

They may fear the prospect of living and dying alone, and so form an 'entanglement' with someone - rather then a real relationship. Very few people would settle for the little that the Cellar Dweller can give to a relationship...perhaps only another deeply wounded soul would accept the profound lack of emotional expression and intimacy.

So, outwardly such a couple may appear to 'function' well, and may even have professional jobs. They may be like 'the parent I never had' to one another. But a 'fly-on-the-wall' would witness two aliens living like magnets emotionally repelling one another, and moving around without actually touching.

Shame is called the master emotion - for it's power to disintegrate our sense of ourself. Only by shining a light and taking away the darkness and shadows can anyone be gently coaxed to come to the edge of their sanctuary/prison in the cellar of their life....like a terrified kitten who dreads the next kick. Many will not take that risk and instead they will play safe and play dead.

Maxine Harley Msc Integrative Psychotherapy - Psychotherapy in Sussex and creator of 'The Ripple Effect' Process and Quantum Psyche Process see http://www.qpp.uk.com/

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