I am not talking here about Multiple Personality Disorder (otherwise called Dissociative Identity Disorder), or Schizophrenia.
I refer instead to the parts of us that become 'split-off' due to our childhood experiences and the meaning we gave to these, from our under-developed child-brain.
There are two levels of splitting that take place when we believe that we are 'not good enough' as we are.
The first level happens as we learn that in order to be seen as OK and to be accepted within the family, we have to 'wear a mask(s)', and fulfil the 'role' set for us by our family.
These masks might include the 'smiley-face-everything-is-fine-in-our family' mask; the 'I-feel-no-pain' mask; and the 'I-must-be-a-good boy/girl-at-all-times-and-not-be-a-burden' mask.
We may also have a 'role' to play in the family unit such as the Super-achiever, the Caretaker, the Carrier of the family madness/badness, the Sick Patient, and many more besides. All of these rob us of our authenticity and the feeling that we are OK just as we are, and that we are valued and wanted for just being our real self.
Instead we develop a 'false-self' to please other people and to ensure that we can continue to live with them and to have our basic survival needs met.
For too many people these 'masks' become stuck and they forget they are even wearing them; or they fear ever taking off the mask and having to face, and live with, the stranger who lies beneath; or they may have tried and failed to remove the mask - due to pressure from other people who want/need them to keep wearing it!
A second and deeper split occurs as a result of severe childhood trauma, abuse and abandonment; when the real self, hidden behind the false self, steps or falls back even further....from the back-room and down into the cellar.
Often to be banished and forgotten about. This 'prisoner' is condemned to a life of darkness and the struggle to survive emotionally. It lives in shame of it's own existence. It feels like an alien without a true personality or life of it's own. It becomes the puppet for others to use, whether that be within the family, or with partners later in their life and within their inevitably dysfunctional relationships.
'It' observes the unfolding 'drama' of life as if from a distance, without any feeling of deeper connection to it. It is isolated and hopeless. It feels like an 'it'.
Believing itself to be deeply flawed and feeling the pain of rejection ridicule and hostility, it knows only self-loathing and despair.
Any words of encouragement, care, or concern echo around the dank cellar in which it exists. Nothing good can penetrate - the fear of further wounding is so great. Exposure and shame burn like a branding iron telling all of it's failure as a human being.
It abides in a prison cell which is actually locked from the inside, or the door may be ajar but the prisoner dare not try to escape. The dark damp cell is at least a familiar 'home'.
Maybe you have tried - in vain - to have a relationship with a 'Cellar Dweller'? ©
You may have poured considerable effort and time into trying to coax them out and to help them to believe in your honesty and integrity....but to no avail. Maybe you have got as far as marriage to such a lost soul - who went along with the arrangement in order to have some 'comfort' pushed through the bars of their inner prison. If so, you will get little in return as they won't know how to love, let alone how to show it in a way that reaches another's soul.
They may receive your love but not know how to give back anything meaningful of themselves. They may talk at length without really saying anything about themselves or their innermost dreams, hopes, and needs.....because they are detached from these and unable and unwilling to take the risk of possible rejection by anyone. They have already profoundly rejected themselves.
It seems obvious that they should simply realise that they are now an adult, and that they can change their thought processes, and consequently their feelings and behaviours. However their detachment from life and their self-loathing is so deeply ingrained that any such wise words would be wasted on them. They could not penetrate their protective armour.
They may fear the prospect of living and dying alone, and so form an 'entanglement' with someone - rather then a real relationship. Very few people would settle for the little that the Cellar Dweller can give to a relationship...perhaps only another deeply wounded soul would accept the profound lack of emotional expression and intimacy.
So, outwardly such a couple may appear to 'function' well, and may even have professional jobs. They may be like 'the parent I never had' to one another. But a 'fly-on-the-wall' would witness two aliens living like magnets emotionally repelling one another, and moving around without actually touching.
Shame is called the master emotion - for it's power to disintegrate our sense of ourself. Only by shining a light and taking away the darkness and shadows can anyone be gently coaxed to come to the edge of their sanctuary/prison in the cellar of their life....like a terrified kitten who dreads the next kick. Many will not take that risk and instead they will play safe and play dead.
Maxine Harley Msc Integrative Psychotherapy - Psychotherapy in Sussex and creator of 'The Ripple Effect' Process and Quantum Psyche Process see http://www.qpp.uk.com/
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